“Brain abscesses occur more frequently in the first 4 decades of life”…almost made it, 3 more years and I will be 40. *See Donna, turning 50 is a positive. ;)
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| Hospital beds get old quickly. |
It has been challenging to go from doing a million things a day to doing the very minimal everyday, from working to not working, from being independent to dependent. I get to spend a lot of time just thinking. I am trying not to over think things, but I have many thoughts going through my head as I talk with everyone around me. I have good days and bad days. I am trying like crazy to have more good days. I feel as though I am succeedingJ but that doesn’t mean some bad days don’t pop up; days where the meds are more than I want to deal with physically or mentally and days where the pain is almost too much. There are days where I feel sorry for myself and then feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because there are others out there suffering more than me. There is still a level of surrealism to this place in my life. I heard my parents and Dave talking the other night about the drama before the helicopter ride and it felt like they were talking about an old episode of ER. Just crazy! Later that evening while everyone sleeps, I read and write. (Dexamethason and Cipprofloxacin are not sleep friendly):
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| Instead of fruits and vegies, we now store Cipprofloxacin and Meropenem in our crisper drawers |
While I was in the hospital, I kept hearing different words being thrown around but was never able toresearch or even in the right state of mind to think and digest what was being said. Now with spare time on my hands I have the opportunity to figure out what was and is happening. I am not one of those people that believe everything I read on the internet, I am the “if it is not peer reviewed or researched significantly or on a legitimate sight”, I will not read it. This being said I found out some interesting and scary statistics and information that night.
- P aeruginosa bacteremia has an estimated mortality rate exceeding 50% and is associated with fatality rates higher than those associated with other gram-negative bacteremic infections.
- Intracranial abscesses are uncommon, serious, life-threatening infections.
- If not recognized early, both subdural empyema and brain abscess can be fatal. Emergent surgery is needed if neurologic signs related to a mass lesion progress.
- Although proper selection of antimicrobial therapy is most important in the management of intracranial infections, surgical drainage may be required. Optimal therapy of fungal brain abscess generally requires both medical and surgical approach.
Thank you! Dr. Will and Dr. Saberhagen of Billings Clinic Hospital!!
These pieces of information started me thinking about my life and the life of my family around me. I had 2 particularly BAD mental days while in the Billings hospital. One day while I was laying in the ICU I started to realize the seriousness of things that had already happened. I had brain surgery…what???? A doctor opened up my skull and was in my brain, nothing not serious about that now is there? On top of that I have a nasty bacterium that is still trying to take over my body and not many answers coming in of where I got it or if it will go away. The reality of this situation became real to me. I could have died and everyone keeps saying, “We are not out of the woods yet.” I started thinking about the things I had not finished in my life, the mess & debt I would leave behind, my ‘bucket list’ with not enough stuff crossed yet, my kids, my family, and my friends. It is a strange day when you realize you will actually die someday. It is like dark sinking feeling that over takes your body and mind. I started a list of things I would not finish. My children’s baby books are not compete, my will is only half filled out, I haven’t had the chance to tell people how they changed my life (the people that inspired me, empowered me), I haven’t forgiven and thanked everyone who deserves it. I haven’t told my children all the stories of their childhood or of our family history. I still have “Life Skills” to teach my children and other people’s children. I haven’t lived my dream life with Dave. During these days of sadness I cried and prayed. I tried to sort things out in my head and make sense of things, but couldn’t. I fell farther into the bad thoughts. I was beginning to feel worse about things instead of better. I was lying in a hospital bed alone and kept receiving bad news. I was missing my family on a level I will never be able to explain to anyone. I cried because I didn’t know what they were doing, I cried because I was not with them to protect them, to talk to them, to hug or kiss them, to laugh and play with them. I cried because my family had to take over my life and continue dealing with this sickness. I cried for my amazing Dave as I watched him one day sleeping in a hard hospital chair from shear exhaustion. I cried when I received texts from the older children asking questions and hoping for some good news. I cried when I got pictures and phone calls from everyone. Yes, I was a sappy mess (still am some days). I was so far removed from MY life, it didn't feel like my life any more. One day, the doctor came into my room and told me there might be some financial problems and I would not be discharged from the hospital for at least 6 weeks or maybe more. That was the “straw that broke the camels back”. I would miss everything, High school graduation, Kindergarten graduation, concerts, school plays, and end of year events in my own classroom, all our kids birthdays, Eagle Scout ceremony and too much more; I was mentally done at that point. Later that day I told Dave “I am going to be trapped in this room, in this nightmare forever, I might as well be dead, everyone could cope and move on and we would all be out of this mess and the financial worries would end.” I really felt that way. I can’t quite explain how this felt. Today that scares me. I had never felt so distant and removed from anything ever. I was no longer me.
Dave never left my side again (I love you Dave with all my being). I fell into place I never want to go again, a place that made me want to give up. My brother in law, Matt visited us this day and his humor and reassurance helped so much. I am out of that place now thanks to my wonderful support team: FAMILY.
I stopped thinking about what I hadn’t done at some point and started thinking about what I will do WHEN I survive this ordeal. I have a new life list and new thoughts. If I can’t sleep tonight, I will write!
These pieces of information started me thinking about my life and the life of my family around me. I had 2 particularly BAD mental days while in the Billings hospital. One day while I was laying in the ICU I started to realize the seriousness of things that had already happened. I had brain surgery…what???? A doctor opened up my skull and was in my brain, nothing not serious about that now is there? On top of that I have a nasty bacterium that is still trying to take over my body and not many answers coming in of where I got it or if it will go away. The reality of this situation became real to me. I could have died and everyone keeps saying, “We are not out of the woods yet.” I started thinking about the things I had not finished in my life, the mess & debt I would leave behind, my ‘bucket list’ with not enough stuff crossed yet, my kids, my family, and my friends. It is a strange day when you realize you will actually die someday. It is like dark sinking feeling that over takes your body and mind. I started a list of things I would not finish. My children’s baby books are not compete, my will is only half filled out, I haven’t had the chance to tell people how they changed my life (the people that inspired me, empowered me), I haven’t forgiven and thanked everyone who deserves it. I haven’t told my children all the stories of their childhood or of our family history. I still have “Life Skills” to teach my children and other people’s children. I haven’t lived my dream life with Dave. During these days of sadness I cried and prayed. I tried to sort things out in my head and make sense of things, but couldn’t. I fell farther into the bad thoughts. I was beginning to feel worse about things instead of better. I was lying in a hospital bed alone and kept receiving bad news. I was missing my family on a level I will never be able to explain to anyone. I cried because I didn’t know what they were doing, I cried because I was not with them to protect them, to talk to them, to hug or kiss them, to laugh and play with them. I cried because my family had to take over my life and continue dealing with this sickness. I cried for my amazing Dave as I watched him one day sleeping in a hard hospital chair from shear exhaustion. I cried when I received texts from the older children asking questions and hoping for some good news. I cried when I got pictures and phone calls from everyone. Yes, I was a sappy mess (still am some days). I was so far removed from MY life, it didn't feel like my life any more. One day, the doctor came into my room and told me there might be some financial problems and I would not be discharged from the hospital for at least 6 weeks or maybe more. That was the “straw that broke the camels back”. I would miss everything, High school graduation, Kindergarten graduation, concerts, school plays, and end of year events in my own classroom, all our kids birthdays, Eagle Scout ceremony and too much more; I was mentally done at that point. Later that day I told Dave “I am going to be trapped in this room, in this nightmare forever, I might as well be dead, everyone could cope and move on and we would all be out of this mess and the financial worries would end.” I really felt that way. I can’t quite explain how this felt. Today that scares me. I had never felt so distant and removed from anything ever. I was no longer me.
Dave never left my side again (I love you Dave with all my being). I fell into place I never want to go again, a place that made me want to give up. My brother in law, Matt visited us this day and his humor and reassurance helped so much. I am out of that place now thanks to my wonderful support team: FAMILY.
I stopped thinking about what I hadn’t done at some point and started thinking about what I will do WHEN I survive this ordeal. I have a new life list and new thoughts. If I can’t sleep tonight, I will write!
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