Well, it has been awhile since I have been able to sit at the computer and attempt to put it all together. My mind has been very scattered and still is. I think it is the three anti seizure medications I am on. I try not to complain, but oh my. It is like having morning sickness all the time and being dizzy and confused most of the day. One of the side effects says "like feeling drunk"..yep, but without football or your friends around to laugh with. So where do we go from here medically, well I thought it might kinda cool to put a picture of my actual brain scan here so we will start with that:
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| My brain cloud:) |
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| You can see the burr hole here where the literally drilled into my skull, crazy technology we have. |
So medically we are looking to head out of here to a bigger hospital for another second opinion. Like I told the doctor, I had to go to San Francisco to get the shoes I wanted, I might need to go to Denver again to get the surgery or second second opinion I need, Montana is basically good for steaks, skiing, and hunting. I am trying to stay super positive lately and accept that this is my life for now. It has been an interesting year. I feel like now I have been through Elisabeth Kubler Ross's stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It has been a challenge and I want to thank everyone who has helped me throughout these stages. I really felt like if I didn't talk about seizures or the brain problems to much that they would just go away. I was living in denial and I am good at hiding things. I realized this was not a healthy way of living though. I thought, if I didn't admit things were going on, I could just will it all away. I was not always telling the doctors what they needed to know. As soon as they would admit to the hospital I would tell them I was fine just so I could get the heck out of there to go home... DENIAL. When I got home, I would be angry. I was angry that this happened to me. I didn't understand why. I am a good person. I am a good mom and wife and daughter. I volunteer in the community, I pay taxes, I never litter, I don't break laws, I recycle, I really always try to help others, I felt like I was a good person. I was angry at the universe at God, I was angry at people for not understanding, I was just plan mad. I spent too many hours crying...ANGER. Then started the bargaining process. I asked the universe or God if they would heal me I would work harder as a person to be a better person. I would be more forgiving and be more patient and listen better and eat healthier and exercise more....BARGAINING. Well, I don't know if that will work or if anyone out in the universe is listening, but that lead to my depression. I don't think I even realized I was in that state until I am able to look back on it. I spend more days in bed just sleeping. I starting questing things in general. I stopped answering texts. I had stopped getting on facebook and I didn't even want to write a blog. I just started having no desire to do anything. I blamed in on medication and I am sure it has some play into my feelings, but overall, I just didn't want to do anything or see anyone...DEPRESSION. Well now I feel like I am accepting my new life, the new me for now. Doctors seem to think I may get betterwith more indepth monitoring and possibly surgery or just rearranging medications for awhile, but if not I think I can accept the new me:
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| New me: Weird hair that seems to like falling and is much darker. |
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| Old me: Long blond locks. |
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| Old me: Planking for no reason. |
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New me: pill box to remember what to do everyday.
Even though I don't have the same desire to listen to music and I can't drive or work or be as organized I still can have hope and I am home more to help kids with homework and I have a new appreciation for my family in general. I know have more desire to learn about my past:
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This ordeal has confirmed my desire to want to help people and has also made my kiddos want do the same:
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| Donating to Locks of Love. |
We can't end this without some usual silliness, because overall "A day without laughing is a bad day".
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"Ha Ha"
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| "What do you do if it hurts this much?" |
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| "Ride em Cowboy" |
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"Pizza the size of my head"
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I am thankful still that I have great family who will drive me all over and come over and help me with the tasks I need. Thank you again for everything. I am trying not to be a pain in the butt.
And a quick trip down memory lane for my sentimental side:
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| 2008 Christmas!! |
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| 2007 Pokemon/beach birthday theme party for s, r, c. Good times. |
